


How far I can let you sink

by chemicalwave



Category: Smosh
Genre: Angst, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Romance, YouTube, ian and anthony, smosh - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-05
Updated: 2014-01-13
Packaged: 2017-12-14 01:25:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 13,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/831108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chemicalwave/pseuds/chemicalwave
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes, it’s bitterly sad to sit on a chair and remember. Remember what you’ve lost, what you had…what you loved. It’s been a lot since the last time I thought about Anthony. He’s been a protected and locked topic for too much though, it’s time for me to take him back in my memory and eventually, when I feel ready, to let him go…</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Play another song here, then you can leave

**Author's Note:**

> First time i publish a fanfic, enjoy and let me know what you think, if people actually liked i'll publish more :)  
> Also i want to apologize now for some possible mistakes since I'm italian and this is my first "english story" so... sorry lol

**_Play another song here, then you can leave_ **

**_With your delicate wings, I used to weave_ **

_Sometimes, it’s bitterly sad to sit on a chair and remember. Remember what you’ve lost, what you had…what you loved. It’s been a lot since the last time I thought about Anthony. He’s been a protected and locked topic for too much though, it’s time for me to take him back in my memory and eventually, when I feel ready, to let him go. Every time I start thinking about him, I become my own prey ; I blame myself because I didn’t do enough, because I was too weak to say something to my best friend, to say  that he was too near to the edge, that he could have fallen out of the shield he tried in vain to mould. I was too angry with him because he would not listen to me and so I let him alone and for that… I hate myself every day of my life. I’d do anything just to go back and change what I was too afraid to change at that time; to save him._  
 _Although I am already awake, I won’t stand up. I have developed an unhealthy fear of the dark, so I will wait for the dawn, I will wait for a little sun ray to penetrate in the chasm I am in. The hours of silence and stillness flow slow and painful. Silence is impossible for me to bear. Thoughts take possession of my head, memories start to scratch my flesh with their sharp nails, their disfigured faces beg for mercy, they want to go away, and this time, this night, I’m ready to give them this opportunity, I will set them free._

__  
“You are so slow Ian!” Anthony made me notice while making his character run faster than mine. He reloaded his shotgun and killed almost half of the enemies I was supposed to kill. I let him do that, so I could keep my bullets for the last person I had to kill, who usually is the most difficult one. It actually turned out that wasn’t that strong, a single bullet did the work.  
“See, I’m better that you even in videogames!” he shouted after the joysticks started to vibrate and the game said he won that round. He killed more people, but it was all thanks to my strategy. I didn’t say anything though, just nodded, acted. I found myself acting a little too much recently.  The way I used to behave in front of the camera was just a part I was forced to play. “Rec” became our magic word. I wasn’t me anymore, I became Ian from Smosh, not Ian Hecox anymore. It’s like selling your soul to the devil: you obtain what you want just by giving away a part of you. I started to understand I missed my old life, my old best friend, my old….me. Anthony didn’t seem to mind it, on the contrary, he was enjoying this. YouTube was our stage and sometimes I couldn’t wait for the audience to clap, stand up and go back home, while Anthony wanted the curtains to always stay open. We never talked about this. Maybe because we didn’t need to, or maybe because we became puppets, and it’s well know that puppets don’t speak… at least not with their real voice.

“You wanna play another round?” I asked looking at him counting his points on his phone.  
“So I can beat you another time?” said Anthony looking towards me with his challenge-face.   
“No, so I can kick your ass.” I replied and click the start button again. Just like old times we were completely immersed in the game, giving each other little nudges when one would kill the other one. I liked playing video games with him because I felt like we didn’t start that Smosh thing, I felt like we were still in his old house, playing Halo instead of studying. The only difference was that, that time, every second was recorded, every of our movements or glances captured by that damn camera which would have kept that moments with it and it would have made it petty and meaningless.  I was the only one to think it that way: Anthony had been corrupted by money and fame or whatever, that he couldn’t see he was becoming obsessed with Smosh. The only time he would call me, would be because he had this magical idea about a video and not anymore because he wanted to talk with me. Our relationship became a constrained one, it was all about business.

 

“We’ll see that.” I tried to say with an high-pitched voice. Always the same things: smile, curse, scream, stupid face, joke, mumble nonsense and repeat. Our life was like a video game where we controlled a character but in the end we had  no power on it, because we had been told which buttons to press , where we had to go, what we had to do, but video games have an end nevertheless, and I was waiting for the credits to start going.  
  
This time we were a team.   
“OK Ian don’t worry,  _I got this one._ ” He said before he scarified his character (obviously not on purpose) and saved mine.   
“I wonder what would have happened if you didn’t.”  I laughed and pushed his arms with my elbow. We kept playing for one hour, then stopped to say temporarily “goodbye” to our fans. When we were done, he stoop up to switch the camera off, but I started to talk.  
“I didn’t turn on the camera when you asked me.” I said almost shouting.  
He turned slowly around and I could perceive the anger taking control of him.   
“And why didn’t you tell me, like, I don’t know, before we fucking started to play?” Said Anthony gritting a little his teeth and doing that weird thing with his nostrils.  
 “What the eye can’t see the heart doesn’t grieve over, right?” He didn’t say a word so I half-opened my eyes.  
“Is it so important for you?” I asked him looking away after I did. His cheeks became bright red.  
“Are you fucking kidding me Ian?” Anthony spitted out.  
“I’m not.” I was damn serious that time, there was no way this stupid job was taking my best friend away. I was the one who managed to swim and now my duty was not to let him sink, to remove the water from his lungs and make him breathe again.  
“I miss playing video-games with you without fucking recording every second of it, you know, just us.” I admitted.  
“But recording is what we do, is what we  _always did_.”  
“No Anthony! We started to do this for fun, and then it became an obligation and-”  
“Then go away. Just leave.” He said opening his arms. “You know where the door is.”  
I nodded. He was right, I had to leave, I couldn’t help someone who didn’t want to be helped. “Fine. Have fun, asshole.” Said I and left.   
  
He once said that he could see from my eyes when I was lying, because he knew me well. I guess he was wrong because I lied that time. I did switch the camera on, he had that video, so he could see in my eyes every time he wanted, that he didn’t know anything about me.   


	2. But in the end, should we care?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian thinks about his decision. Was it right? Was it wrong? All the things he left behind, do they deserve to be forgotten?

Smosh was slowly coming to an end anyways. I didn’t want to spend my time thinking about videos to make, our ideas were too stupid and deducted, all our efforts futile. Things weren’t going that good for us: the only thing we could do, wasn’t working anymore. People started to say that we weren’t as we used to be and they were right. It wasn’t us anymore, it was just business. So carrying on with it, was pointless.

I went back to the Smosh house, which became my house since Melanie had to move for a couple of months to his mother’s in Santa Barbara because she was sick. I didn’t even bother to switch the lights on, I spent so much time in that house that I could tread it blindfolded. I let my fingers slide on the corridor wall and with my eyes close, I could see all the times me and Anthony played hide and seek, when we were 12-13 years old. I could never find him, and so he would usually come out of where he had hidden because he was tired to wait for me. And in that moment I wondered if he felt tired of waiting for me to find him and if he would have came out of his hideout someday so we could start this game, again, from the beginning, with different rules.

The only thing I wanted to do, was to lay in bed and think of what I got rid of. As my head hit the pillow my brain open the glass prison I used to preserve my memories in. As my mother enrolled me in that new school, I knew I would have ended up alone, that other people would have made fun of me, but I was wrong. A teacher one day forced me to work on a project with this shy kid named Anthony. We felt so awkward because we didn’t know anything about the person we had to work with but eventually we laughed and had a lot of fun together. So that day I realized that people around me wasn’t that bad and that maybe I had found a friend. I couldn’t call him “best friend” yet though , but as he bought a car and offered me a ride home, we started to spend more time together playing Halo and eating an enormous amount of junk food. I was so glad he was the only one around to give me a ride home because it was in that way, that we became best friends. We found each other in the right moment, when we needed. We would sit in the desk in the back of the class and just be ourselves together. I remember making fun of Anthony’s drawings, making fun of everyone we hated. Besides each other, we had no one we could talk to. Anthony was the only kid I could stay up all night and watch Lost with, he was the only one who laughed at my jokes, the only one I could trust. We were so surprise and happy when we saw how many views the first video we uploaded on YouTube had. We weren’t used to people paying attention to us. Our families were always too busy , people at school ignored us because we were “weird”. 

Years passed. We grew up. We found new friends. We got girlfriends. Our channel kept counting more subscribers. We bought the Smosh House. We took part of the “YouTube family”. Smosh videos became popular, WE became popular. We bought different houses with our new families. We enlarged our crew, adding David, Matt, Joshua and Mari. We took different ways. Anthony has now a new channel with Kristin. I no longer have what I used to have.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Sorry if this is a short chapter, the next one will be longer i promise. Anyway David, Matt and Joshua are Lasercorn Sohinki and Joven if you didn't know their real names and Kristin is Kalel. I like to use their real names, it makes it more idk intimate. Comments and Votes are always welcome. Thanks for reading]


	3. Blame the limitless water

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As I look down I see something below me. Something that doesn’t want to attack me or drag me into the abysses because it doesn’t have the strength to.

I can’t breathe. I feel like I’m flying but I can’t feel the wind taking control of my body, guiding me somewhere. Seems like an icy sheet covers me and makes every movement impossible, it keeps me immobile .Every sound is padded. The echo of the thunders is the only sound my brain can distinguish from the other noises that seem to be far away. I keep my nose, mouth and eyes closed but my survival instinct yells at me; it wants me to breathe. The fact is that I can’t. These black sheets won’t allow any movement, it won’t let me survive. Eventually I stop fighting against it. I give up. My body is in oxygen debt. Suddenly something happens though. I start breathing again, I can feel my arms and legs, no longer numb and I finally manage to open my eyes, realizing that nothing has changed from when I kept them shut. The only light I can see is the one the moon sends me, the feeble one that filters through the dark water that surrounds me. The moon: so big and bright that it almost hurts my eyes, heedless of what is happening to me, careless. Maybe it’s just the salty water’s fault. It makes me float in this somber, limitless universe: the ocean.   
As I look down I see something below me. Something that doesn’t want to attack me or drag me into the abysses because it doesn’t have the strength to. It’s a simple body that has stopped waving its arms to try and return to the surface. He let the violent waves haul him, with the promise of a safe shore but all they gave him is a pair of lungs full of heavy water. His only hope is me. His eyes beg, cry for help with their aware silence. I try to swim, to shift my weight towards him but the water and its invisible chains keep me still and make me see my best friend sink with his last hopes, with his hand still towards me. Anthony sinks and gradually becomes part of that icy ocean and then he becomes dark and nothing else. In my head, just screams.

As I saw my reassuring bedroom I relaxed a little, started to breathe regularly, trying to dispel those bad thoughts. Nothing could hurt me there. Or at least, it was what I convinced myself of. I had to give myself wrong few minutes after, when I heard some heavy steps coming from the living room. I got off the bed slowly and grabbed a baseball bat I used to keep under my bed. Having it made me feel safe when I lived there, when I was a little kid full of fears and phobias. I walked in the corridor trying not to make any noise. The carpet under my sweaty feet was starting to be annoying. I saw something moving in the dark and raised the bat over my head, ready to hit. The figure that was wandering in my house lit up the lamp next to the couch and I saw his face. It was just a confused Anthony with disheveled hair and I hood I had never seen before. He looked at me and said nothing; he didn’t let any emotion leak from his tired face. But then he started to talk :“Woah dude, did you want to kill me?” said Anthony raising his hands. He gave me a chocked laugh and sat on the couch.   
“What are you doing here?” I asked him getting closer to him.   
“Could you please lower that bat first?” He said pointing at the object in my not-anymore-shaking hands. I sighed and did what he asked me.  
“I’m home.” Anthony finally said looking always more tired.  
“This is not your house anymore, remember?”   
“Well then is not yours too.”  
“I told you that I’m here because Melanie had to leave for a couple days, Anthony.” Said I and he didn’t move. He just kept staring at the ground that apparently looked more interesting than me. Without looking at his hands he grabbed the blanked that rested on the arm of the couch, covered himself with it, curled up and decided to lie down, facing the backrest. “Are you ok?” I asked him without hiding my concern, with a more apprehensive voice. No answer came from him. His body was immobile, his breath too fast. I let him “sleep” and went back to my bed, where sleep didn’t give me the time to think, it switched off my brain and closed my eyes. I didn’t have more nightmares that night, maybe because I was too tired and preoccupied to dream, or maybe because I had my best friend safe and sound near me.

When I woke up I didn’t immediately stand up. I started to recall the days me and Anthony used to be best friends for real. When we had no one else but each other, when we slept and ate in the same house, and we were so close. Now we barely see if not to make videos. We live in different cities, with different people and have different habits. When we come to the Smosh house we just smile at each other and start making or editing videos. We only see each other at weddings (which were going to come soon, since Anthony had proposed to Kristin) and funerals…  
I missed him sometimes, everything about him, even the things I used to hate so much like that thing he did with his teeth when sleeping, the fact that he burn half of our furniture with that damn hair-straightener , the fact that he was always late, thing that got worse those weeks and I was starting to wonder why. Sometimes Anthony would listen to his “hardcore” music too loud that I would kind of miss the previous boring silent. Nothing of that happened anymore. Now his LA neighbors had to deal with his music, not me anymore. He was engaged now and that meant that we were going to spend less time together, I couldn’t blame him for that though. Fans were starting to annoy me with all those sentences like “Now that Anthony proposed you have to do that too.” They didn’t even know how hard marriage life is and that I and Melanie didn’t need it because we already loved each other so much and lived together, we didn’t need some golden rings to prove that.

When I got to the kitchen I saw that nobody was on the couch; he was gone. I looked around the almost empty house to see if he had left a note but found nothing, just dust. Nobody had cleaned that house since we moved out so I decide it was time to tidy some stuff. I took the vacuum cleaner from the little storage room we had at the entrance. It took me a little to remember how to use it, since it was up to Anthony to clean the carpet back then but I eventually managed to clean half of the house. I tried to move the fridge to clean under it. I pushed it and saw something beneath it. It looked like an old ass picture covered in dust dark grey dust. As I blew on it to remove the layer of dust I saw who was on that photo. It was a young me and a young Anthony, he looked surprised almost scared. I think I took that picture while we were shooting. We decided to print it and it stayed on the fridge for three years and then disappeared mysteriously. Finding it made happy for a moment; good memories. I left it on the kitchen counter and went back to cleaning.   
The day passed , the dark took slowly possession of the house and swallowed it whole. I turned the TV on and watched the news for a bit but then decide to sleep. I hated seeing the news, it was all about tragic events, people dying, rich people stealing from normal people and becoming more rich, politicians ruining a country, people that brutally killed innocent people etc. I was already too sad, I needed no more tragic things, I just had to relax and breathe.  
Someone woke me up. I couldn’t see who was shaking me because my sight was still too blurred and everything seemed to be in slow motion. I saw Anthony and his scared brown eyes. He was still shaking me violently so I grabbed his hands and took them off me. “What do you think you’re doing Anthony? You sleep here and then you disappear and then you come back again and you act weird. What the hell is going on?” I asked him as I stood up. He wanted to speak but somehow the words didn’t come out. He was just shaking and breathing heavily. “Anthony!” I shouted and grabbed his arms. He looked scared but slowly calmed down and started to talk stuttering.   
“They fou-. They found me.”  
“Who?”  
“I-I can’t explain now. Let- let’s just go, please.” Said he trying to drag me to the backyard.  
“NO! Now you tell what the fuck is going on or I won’t go anywhere” I said looking straight at his eyes and from them, I could see and knew. He was in trouble. He surrendered and started talking.   
“I have a work and it’s about paying and collecting”  
“Your work is Smosh.”  
“It is Ian but we both know that the money we earn thanks to it isn’t enough and I needed a second work.” The money we earned was enough. It was enough to be normal, to have a house and a car, to buy groceries and clothes. But lately being normal wasn’t something Anthony liked.   
“I work for some people who give money to other people who win bets and collect them from someone who lose. I’m like a courier.” I could hide the horror on my face anymore. I knew where this was going.   
“I wander around Los Angeles and sometimes other cities with a backpack with tens of thousands of dollars in it. And sometimes, believe me, it’s impossible not to stop and look at them, how many they are, how helpful they could be, Ian.”  
“What did you do?” I whispered worried, hoping that he hadn’t been so stupid to do what I thought he had done.   
“I started to take little amounts of money during my deliveries.” Said Anthony looking at me. I put my hand on my mouth and started to flinch. I couldn’t believe his words.   
“How many?” I asked him as I found the courage to look at him in the eyes. He sighed.  
“I thought they would have never noticed”  
“How. Much.” I repeated almost out of my breath.   
“How do you think I bought my new house and Kristin’s wedding ring?” He whispered with his sorry face. I should have known. That house was too expensive, the ring too big, I should have questioned, I should have helped him before. I needed to calm down but the only thing I could think of was that money. If I was right we were talking about 600.000 dollars circa. I tried to think about what we were going to do now.   
“They’ve already found him and he probably gave this address so in few minutes we would be dead” I thought. They didn’t know me nevertheless. So I could just stay there and give Anthony the time to go away. I wondered if he was going to disappear and if I was going to never see him again. Better far than dead though.   
“Just go Anthony,” I said. “I will try to talk to them and when they realize what’s going on you’ll be too far.” Or at least I hoped that. He stayed silent for five seconds looking shocked and terrified.   
“Are you fucking crazy.”  
“Well not as crazy as you.”  
“You will get killed.” He shouted.  
“Then don’t let me die in vain.” I shouted back. I was ready to sacrifice myself for him. He was my best friend, and something more than just it.  
“I got this one ,Anthony” I said letting my hand rest on his shoulders.  
“I’m not going anywhere without you.” Said Anthony and for a second I saw something in his eyes; care.  
I thought he stopped caring about me lately, but I was wrong, he did care for me.   
Something caught our attention, something that made us shiver.

 

We liked our neighborhood. It was so silent. The screaming kids were few, no one had an annoying dog who would always bark or cats that would always fight and caterwaul violently (Now that I thought about it, I remember when Anthony found this little white cat in the park when it was raining. He took it home, washed it and dried it. But I’m allergic to cats and we already had Charlie so we decided not to keep it and gave it to our friend). We chose that neighborhood for its quite so we could shoot videos without having to worry about noises. Let’s say we ruined it with all our loudness and cursing.  
That day the cars passing nearby were the only audible sound but slowly some other noises joined. They were short and high and echoed all around, making the ground shake, making us shake.  
They were shots.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo this was chapter 3. I'm so sorry it took me a lot to write it but as i mentioned before, I'm Italian and sometimes I have to write the story in italian (that has more selection of words) before and then translate it in english in order to create something that actually makes sense so deal with me lol. And also if you find some mistakes i'd be happy if you told me so i can fix em. Hope you liked this one which happened to be a lot longer than the others. I really want to thank who's reading, it means a lot to me. Comments and votes are always welcome. I advice you to listen to "how far we've come by Boyce Avenue" because i think it really fits. BYE.


	4. There's no room in this Hell and there's no room in the next.

A car was approaching and so were the shots. I could hear them higher and higher, every second nearer. The neighbors heard them too and as a matter of fact they started to step on their open front door, to take a look of what was going on. Their faces changed in few seconds and with a cold terror growing inside them, they went back to their warm, reliable and safe houses and probably called the police. Most of them did nothing though; too afraid to help. They preferred to stay silent, mind their own business, lower their heads and accept the situation.

Anthony and I froze. We could have run. They would have found us anyways but it was worth a try. Anthony grabbed a bag he had left minutes before on the kitchen counter and then my arm. I tried to free me from his tight grip and reach the photo I had left, the only memory that would have been possible for me to save because I knew we would have never be able to see that house again. 

“C’mon Ian!” Anthony shouted trying to drag me towards the backyard. The photo was too far for me to reach it so I surrendered and gave a last look at the house; the only place we could call ours. I quickly closed my eyes to print the image in my brain, to put it in the archive of all the things I’ve lost but never forgotten, the same archive Anthony was in.

And suddenly I was afraid for Melanie. What if they found her and kidnapped her instead of me or Anthony? What if they tortured her to get information about where the money was? I couldn’t let them hurt her: she was my family, the woman I had to create a family with in a short time. My thoughts went back to Anthony. I couldn’t save both. If I went to Melanie I should have left my best friend, the man who had always been next to me, who I shared half of my life with.   
The shots and the car stopped abruptly. I heard someone forcing the door and then only me and Anthony running away. We climbed over the fence that marked the border of our garden and the start of our neighbor’s one. We ran as fast as we could, as far as we could even if we knew we had nowhere to run to. And as I got out of breath I stopped and forced Anthony to stop as well. I wasn’t used to run anymore. When I was younger I participated to plenty of marathons and sometimes won but back in that not-really-cold October 2013 I had nothing of the young me. We agreed on that fact that we were far enough, and that they wouldn’t come till here: the park we grew up in. We hid in the dark trying to be as far as possible from the streetlights so they could not detect us. From there we could see our little house and their big black car parked. Some of them were in the house and shouted a name I didn’t know: “Gavin”, followed by several insults. It was probably the name he gave in order not to be tracked. Sure, if he wanted to really be prudent he shouldn’t have given that address. 

After a bit they started the car and shot the windows and then drove away. We stood still till we realized what was happening. The inside of the house was slightly lit and seemed like that orange light expanded to the entire house. A dark fume came out of the windows followed by bright flames which ate and consumed everything that was on their way and everything became fire. The flames fed themselves with what populated our house, growing more and more, an untamable lion with sharp nails that wears out everything. The once white house started to gradually blackening. Something was telling me to run towards it and recover all that I could, especially the picture but my feet seemed not to care about the orders my brain repetitively sent and so there I stood. My knees hit the ground and the pain I felt remembered me I wasn’t that strong anymore. I let my head rest on the wet grass and my hands grab it and tear it. We lost everything even if that wasn’t our actual house. We lost the computers with the videos, the mail, the costumes and the only place we could be alone, together. 

A fire truck approached our house in ruins and several firemen tried to extinguish the fire. All that was left of our little world were rubble and fume, nothing more, nothing less. We stood in awe, we created a life and saw it burn down. Anthony kneeled next to me and put his hand on my back. I shrugged and he removed it. Silent won against words and didn’t allow anything to come out of our mouths. When I found the strength to stand up I noticed the bag Anthony had carried with him.  
“What’s inside?” I asked embittered even if I knew what it contained.

“The last amount of money I stole.”

“You are sick.” I uttered and walked away. That’s what he saved, fucking dirty money. He just washed away the blood on it and pocketed it. That wasn’t the Anthony I knew, he was no longer my best friend. So blinded by success and money that couldn’t focus of what was really important. The first thing he took was the bag, not my hand. In that moment I wished for a time machine, so we could go back to the start, when Smosh wasn’t a source of income but just a thing we did to have fun, when we were the freaks of the school that stayed all day long in a room together watching Lost and eating donuts. 

“We are going to need it Ian”

“Why? Tell your big plans!” I said in a theatrical way, raising my hands.

“Stop Ian. You know we can’t stay here.”

“You know that they are going to look for Kristin right?”

“I didn’t tell them about her, I would never.”

“But let me guess you told them about me, didn’t you?”

“I just said you were a friend.”

“Oh my God Anthony. You know what people like them do right? If they can’t find YOU, they’re gonna take everyone you care about and kill them, but I guess that’s not a problem since you don’t fucking care about anyone but yourself.”

“Don’t say that, you know it’s not true.”

“You let our damn house burn Anthony!”

“What was I supposed to do? Stop them and give them the money I don’t have anymore?”

“You shouldn’t have stolen it in the first place, Goddamn Anthony.”We kept arguing and shouting and people in the houses nearby complained and shouted at us and threatened us.

“That’s not your business.”

“It is now, since you dragged me in this situation.”

“You put yourself in that situation Ian, I didn’t know you were in the house and when I knew it was already too late. You shouldn’t have been there.”

“I told you I was going to sleep there one week ago Anthony, but you never fucking listen to me because you don’t care about what I say.” I said and pushed him. I clearly remembered that moment. He was sitting on a chair of the fast food we were in and he was (as usually) somewhere else with his mind, he looked concerned. We were about to film a lunchtime. I told him about Melanie and her mother and about the house, he nodded and said ok. I thought he understood but he was too far and didn’t even hear. He stood silent because he knew I was right, he would never admit it though. 

“I parked the car right there.” He said pointing at his black car at the end of the park. “Let’s go.”

“Where exactly, your majesty?” said I sarcastically.

“Somewhere far away from here.”

“You know what? I’m not coming with you.”

“Get in the car Ian, please.”

“Make me.”

“Get. In. The. Motherfucking. Car.” Said Anthony shouting, articulating every word. I stood still with my arms crossed on my chest and then reached Anthony who was opening his door. I sat on the passenger seat and buckled up my seat belt. We were pretending to be strong but you could tell we were just two stupid kids who couldn’t face the situation. That were scared to death, that just wanted to run away from everything.  
Anthony drove for a bit and I followed the lines on the dark street, hit by the car lights. We didn’t dare to break the silence, the radio was turned off, the sound of the wind blowing, coming from the window, filled my thoughts. It was reassuring in some way. I loosened my seatbelt and closed my eyes. I could feel the road and the wheels sliding on it. I could hear Anthony’s breath and his nervous fingers on the steering wheel.   
It was 03:45 am.

03:46 am  
03:47 am   
03:48 am  
04:20 am  
04:50 am

I almost could hear a clock and its hands, spinning and spinning and ticking. I couldn’t sleep. I had to think. Anthony scream caught my attention. As I opened my eyes I saw him covering his face and when I turned to the street I saw a car coming towards us, so fast, out of control. It hit us. Once again everything became pitch black.

Now.  
I leave the pen on my wooden desk. I look at my hand, it’s stained with ink. I like what I did. It’s been a lot since the last time I wrote and it wasn’t that pleasant. I stand up and go towards the window. 

Today the weather is fine. The clouds left space to the bright sun and the clear sky. My back hurts, my legs hurt, my head hurts. I’m becoming old, I already am but I like not to think that. I want to do things, to travel, practice a sport, but I can never find the time (which is a thing people say when they don’t want to do something). My flat is a mess. Melanie forgot to call Alicia, the young woman who cleans the house. We can’t really do anything without her. Melanie is always busy writing for the newspaper and I’m busy doing… nothing.

The phone rings. I wonder who is calling me. “Hello?” 

“How are you?” the voice says. It’s Jim, a man I worked with few years ago. I answer “Good”.

“You know what day is today?” He asks.

“No.” I lie. I know it and I’m not good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is chapter 4 yay. I don’t know how I wrote this so fast, it just came naturally lol.   
> Hope you liked it, yup, the situation is getting worse, EMBRACE YOURSELF!   
> I will probably insert more of the “present Ian” thoughts because yes, it makes everything more painful. I’m so sorry for making the Smosh house burn lol, but of course this is not reality and I hope nothing like Smosh “breaking up” happens or worse something like Anthony working with the mafia lol.  
> Leave comments and vote if you want, it really makes me happy and it makes me write more easily because I see someone is enjoying it. Thanks for reading. See you in the next episode.


	5. There's always tomorrow

When I regained consciousness I realized I was still in the car and Anthony wasn’t. I couldn’t see from my left eye and could barely move my legs. I was afraid I wouldn’t have been able to walk again, but I was also afraid to lose my best friend. I was still in the car which was upside down. My neck hurt because of my position. I ignored the throbbing pain and managed to open the door of the extremely smashed car and to crawl away. Anthony was there, on the cold soil, motionless, his eyes wide open. My sight was a little blurred but I swear to God I saw his bloody mouth smile and he might have said something as well. I tried to reach him crawling and reassure him with an “everything will be fine” even if I knew it wouldn’t. After all we went through together, we had to say goodbye. That was our stop, our terminus. “Anthony.” I tried to say but my voice wouldn’t come out. I could almost touch his injured hand but my body was slowly leaving me and so was my best friend, again. 

An extremely loud scream woke me up. I rapidly opened my eyes and saw I was still in the car, next to Anthony who was calmly driving with his favorite music on the radio (the scream that awoke me came from the lead singer of As I Lay Dying, one of my friend’s favorite band). He turned around to look at me, and then went back to driving. Outside of the car, up in the sky, the sun shone, free from the grey clouds that wanted to smother it. It was not their time even if it should have been since the month we were in. The light was hurting my eyes, but I didn’t care because I was happy that what happened before was just the umpteenth nightmare. Anthony was alive, I was.   
I looked at my watch, it was almost 7.30 am. I haven’t slept that much. I looked at Anthony. He had deep bags under his tired eyes and couldn’t stop rubbing them. 

“Do you want me to drive?” I asked him. He agreed that it was better for him to rest for few hours and let me drive. I wasn’t used to driving with the automatic gear but I almost immediately learned how to do that. It wasn’t that difficult after all, on the contrary, it made everything easier. 

“Where are we going exactly?” I asked him as I sat down on the driver seat and grabbed the wheel firmly. 

“Seattle.”

“Why?”

“Ian just drive.” He said annoyed. Then he covered himself with his jacket and closed his eyes. His head rested on his shoulder and his hair touched the misted glass, drawing little and thin lines every time the wheels would fall in a pothole on the street. Although there was a bright sun outside, it was very cold and I started to shiver because of it. I hadn’t brought with me any clothes; I just had the ones I was wearing: a white short-sleeved shirt and short pants while Anthony had his usual beige pants, a Bordeaux shirt and his “famous” red jacket. I drove for a while, Anthony’s light breath keeping me company. That road looked familiar to me. I remembered being in the car with my mother and Anthony, something like 9 years ago. 

“We were going to the Lassen Volcanic National Park” I told myself. I remembered we had a lot of fun; we watched the view sitting on a mountain, run like crazy and have amazing picnics. I don’t exactly know why I did that but as I got the change I turned right, changed lane (thing that was possible because nobody was driving there expect me), went on a bridge and drove on the Antelope Boulevard and then right again on the 36 that led me to that park. I stopped buying some food and a cheap jacket. It took me almost an hour to drive till there but it was worthy. There wasn’t snow yet so I could park the car on the grass easily. From where I was I could see a bench and a table. Once the food was ready the only thing left to do was to wake Anthony up, hoping he wouldn’t get mad at me for stopping our “journey”. Before I could turn around I felt a warm big hand on my shoulder.

“ I bet you’re surprised.” I told him without looking at his face.

“Dude, where are we?” 

“You really don’t remember?” I couldn’t hide the disappointment in my voice.

“Does it seem like I remember?” Said he so I pointed to the mountain, the one we climbed and sat on nine years ago. He didn’t say anything but I could hear a smile forming on his face. 

“It didn’t really change, did it?” He said after several minutes we stood there contemplating the view. 

“It didn’t. We did.”

“I guess you’re right.”

“I always am.”

“Ahahah. Shut up.” Said Anthony as he pushed me and ran towards the table. I didn’t move. I looked at him looking at the food and asking me why I hadn’t bought something that contained bacon in it. For a second I could see my best friend again; the real one. And we were spending time together, without a camera recording every second of it.

“It’s just 9.48 am but I’m going to eat that turkey sandwich so bad.” I smiled. It was him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oook so I know The Lassen Volcanic National Park doesn’t have mountains but let’s just pretend we don’t know that park because otherwise no happy romantic moments are going to happen muahahah. I’m thinking about writing this short journey from Sacramento to Seattle in order to add some “cuteness” to this sad story, more like the sad story is going to be lol but obviously just if you want (but I swear it will not last more than 1 chapter so is not going to be a boring thing). Let me know in the comments maybe, I’d be happy to write it. Votes would make me so happy. See ya.


	6. I bred the monster he became

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song I advice you is "Holding on to you" by Twenty One Pilots, just read the lyrics.

Now

“You know it, don’t you?” Says Jim and sighs. No answer comes from me. I hate when people remind me. I hate when people talk about him, they know nothing about Anthony or me. Of course I know what day is today, I haven’t forgot, how could I? I hear Melanie’s footsteps going down the stairs. She comes near me and leads her hand on my shoulder.

“Goodbye Jim.” I say and before I can hear him answer I hang up the phone. Melanie’s eyes were beautiful, and they still are, no matter the wrinkles around them. I look at her trying not to look sad and sick of that situation. She knows what I feel. Maybe not the whole situation, but she knows how much I cared and care about Anthony and how much is painful for me to talk about him. She never stops trying nevertheless. 

“You should go to him.” She says but she knows my answer because is always the same.

“I can’t.”

“What’s stopping you Ian?” She says touching my harsh cheek. I guess nothing is stopping me but myself and guilt.

 

We finished our ‘early’ lunch and looked at the landscape around us: it had nothing special. The arid soil and the extremely high green trees were a quite beautiful contrast though. Anyway the memories it was awakening were the reason I liked that place. We were younger, happier and carefree; no schedule to be respected, no worries, no fans, no money that could change us, everything was easier.  
We climbed our little mountain and sat on the edge. The wind was so strong that I could barely breathe and keep my eyes from watering. The rustle of the trees and some birds chirping was all we could hear. Anthony didn’t seem to worry about the whole situation and I wanted to know why. Did he know that all this was going to happen? Or maybe he just knew that nothing he could say or do would have changed much.

“Ok so since you’re the only one here who actually knows where we’re going and why, could you please share your thoughts with the class?” I said looking at two black birds chasing.

“We’re going to Seattle.”

“Tell me something I don’t know.”

“We’re going there because there’s a friend I can trust that’ll help us.” He said without changing the tone of his voice. I nodded. That was really all I deserved to know? What if the bad guys found us and killed us? I wasn’t really thinking about Smosh because I wanted it to end anyways, maybe not that tragically. Smosh wasn’t my first problem, our safety was.

“So if this all ends well we could make a video out of it.” He jokes, his laugh was too nervous. That wasn’t going to end well for sure.

“Do you really want to carry on with Smosh?”

“Of course I do. That’s our life our-”

“Oh don’t start again. It’s always about Smosh, about you deciding everything. Have you ever asked me how I feel about? If I really wanted to do this all?”

“I did ask and you remember what you told me? You said that you didn’t have time for me then. So I asked you again and the answer was always the same. You never have time because you’re too busy being depressed and thoughtful. You always feel the victim. Have YOU ever asked me how I feel? Because I’m not good too, Ian. I have problems too, lots of them as you can see. But have you ever asked? Have you even helped me?” He stood up and looked at what was behind our shoulders. I didn’t want to accept that, but he was right. I was always busy being angry at him, to actually care for him, and for what? For having a family? For being distant? I was distant too. I felt so sorry and guilt.

“I wanted to tell you about this ‘job’ but you are always mad at me for every decision I take so I didn’t tell you because I was afraid you would have hated me more.”

“I don’t hate you.”

“Then prove it Goddamit.” He shouted. All this time, I tried to make him pay attention to me, and he did the same. But in some way we couldn’t see it. I could have prevented this. If I only had listened to him…  
All this time, it was me. I was the blind one, not Anthony. Maybe he cared too much about the money but what did I care about? Nothing. I had became apathetic, my heart numb. I could feel nothing but hate. 

“I am…” I tried to say.

“You want to know why I’m so obsessed with Smosh and the channel with Kristin? Because I need them. I need to surround me with things that make me proud of myself, that make me happy, things that I know I can do and that people love, and because is the only way I can be around you without…” He didn’t finish the sentence. 

“You could have just called me. You could have asked me to go out with you, I called you so many times but every time you were speaking with someone else or were in Los Angeles, far from me, you never stayed more than two days in Sacramento.” The wind wasn’t strong anymore, it became always more weak, sometimes you couldn’t even feel it. The birds flew away. I stood up too, finally facing him.

“Ok we’ve both mistaken, Ian. But that doesn’t mean we can’t fix this. We’ve been stupid and carried away by work and stuff, and you know it’s hard for me to express my feelings. If you want to stop making videos… I accept it. I’m sorry I haven’t before and-” Before he could finish the sentence I put my arms around him and hugged him. It had been a lot since the last time I had hugged him and I have to say it felt weird. He stood still but after a bit he started to hug me.

“This looks like some weird Brokeback Mountain.” I joked when we broke the embrace. He smiled.

“I’m so sorry for putting you in this situation.” He said. “I promise I’ll never let anything bad happen.”

We went back in the car because it was starting to be chilly outside. I didn’t ask him anything about his ‘work’ even though I maybe should have asked him more. We just stayed in the car watching the sun disappear from our sight sucked by the unreachable horizon. The sky became the theatre of multiple beautiful colors alternating; it went from light blue to pink, from yellow to orange and then dark and deep blue. We decided to stay there for the night because we were both too tired to drive. We watched the stars for an hour taking about nothing, laughing, remembering. When I heard no answer to the question I asked Anthony I knew he had fallen asleep. He was so comical when asleep: his mouth was wide open, weird noises coming out of it and his arms crossed on his chest. He always slept like that….

I was really tired and my eyes were giving up so I let them close and let Morpheus find me.  
When I woke up, Anthony was driving. He smiled at me. We were used to travel with the car. I hated it but right then it was our only means of transport. We turned the radio on, fought about what song to listen to, rummaged through Anthony’s CDs and decided that Radiohead was the best choice. It was late afternoon again, I was driving and Anthony sleeping when I decided to change course again and head to the Depoe Bay. I’ve always liked Oregon; it had a lot of green, lakes and amazing bays everywhere. I’ve been to that Bay just two times in my life and that one was the first one.  
When Anthony woke up was really mad at me because he thought I was just slowing down our ‘trip’ but eventually calmed down and enjoyed the view from a reef called ‘Pirates Cove’. He said that I was smiling like a stupid kid before disappearing. I turned around and tried to look for him, but found nothing but crabs and rocks. When I heard him shout and saw him run towards me I knew what he was about to do. He ran towards the edge of the riff and dived in the cold water. As his head popped out of the water I could see he was regretting that. 

“Jesus,” He said shivering “I’m freezing my ass off.”

“I bet you are.”

“Come down.”

“I don’t think this is a good idea.”

“Ah c’mon pansy, just jump.”

I eventually removed my pants and thanked God I had some long boxers on and jumped down. We swam around and tried to hold our breath under water the more we could. Of course Anthony won and I lost because of my asthma. There was a moment when we would watch each other in the eyes and say nothing; it was the most awkward moment ever. The waves pushed us closer and closer, our knees were touching. And in those seconds I don’t know what happened but we had the same idea, and seemed like the right thing to do. His hands took my face and pulled me towards him. When our lips touched something moved in my stomach and I felt something I thought I would have never been able to feel for him. I was pretty shocked and confused but I knew that kiss wouldn’t have changed much. We were going to be the same people, the same best friends just with a secret we knew people wouldn’t have been able to understand. We weren’t ready to show the world yet; we’ve never been and will never be. That kiss was a concentrate of love, care, pain, regrets, and unsaid words that didn’t need to be spelled anymore.  
Night had fallen on us, but we didn’t need lights to see.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh yeah. And the ‘worst kiss description ever’ award goes to… Federica YAY. *crows gives a standing ovation ‘she totally deserves that’. LOL jokes aside this was chapter six, I don’t really like it and I feel like I radically changed the story I initially wanted to write but whatever, since a lot of you is following this story, I feel like I have to finish it. I guess there will be one chapter more before the final one. Thanks for reading, leave a vote if you liked it and comments saying what you think will happen or what you want to happen. Bye ^^


	7. When I fall, I mingle with what's already there.

We looked at each other like we had never seen the person in front of us before. I looked at him and contemplate every inch of his wet face. He never stopped playing with his lips and held me by my shoulders while I held his face. I liked his harsh cheeks and his strong jaw and with my thumb I started to caress him. In the moment I realized what I was doing; I stopped and swam back towards the shore. He got out of the water in silence just like I did. Our eyes never met. We got dressed again and ignored the cold wind that with his blow seemed to push us closer. We entered the car, started it and said goodbye to that beautiful bay that now held our secret, our impossible love. “One day” I told myself: “we’ll come back here and we’ll be ready to accept us.” I really believed my words.

In few minutes we went back to being ourselves just like nothing had happened. Maybe we were a little awkward but I was thankful we didn’t change. We played stupid ‘car-games’ and laughed and talked. Anthony was struggling to keep his eyes open and couldn’t stop yawning so I offered to drive. He fell asleep almost as he leaned his head on the seat but before he asked me to wake him up once we were in Seattle. The more we approached the city, the more I felt the cold cling to my bones and weaken them. My fingers were numb and red, just like my nose. When we passed the Seattle road sign, something changed. I started to sweat and feel a weird heat running from my head to my legs. I felt like my lungs were carrying too much air that they would implode. There was too much hot blood running through my veins that seemed like my skin was about to crumble like thin paper on fire. My brain was screaming and my muscles aching. I braked so violently that I almost hit my head on the steering wheel .The cars around us started to horn and do their best not to hit us. Something was wrong, I could feel it. 

“What the fuck dude!” Said Anthony who wasn’t wearing the seat belt, felt the braking and woke up.

“Seattle isn’t safe.”

“What are you talking about Ian?” He was starting to be annoyed by my frequent ‘delays’. 

“I don’t know, I just feel it.”

“Yeah. Now just relax. You’re probably just stressed by this whole situation, it’s just paranoia.”

“No it’s not. I’m okay. I just….” He interrupted me with a hug that restored my body heat and made me feel good, not tortured anymore. 

“I’m sorry.” He said looking sad. “For everything. I promise we’ll get out of this situation.”

“I hope so.”

“We will.” He looked at me and smiled. “C’mon I’ll drive.”

We past some acceptable neighborhoods till we got to the worst ones; where this ‘friend’ lived. I just sat and waited and hoped everything would have gone for the best. We parked the car and took the bag with the money in it which had become less heavy. Anthony had the keys and held them thigh between his palm and fingers. I thought that maybe he was right, that I was just being paranoid. We were safe there and far away from Sacramento or Los Angeles. The first thing I wanted to do was to call Melanie because I knew she had called me in those days, too bad my telephone was somewhere in the rubbles of the Smosh house. When we opened the door we realized the house was pretty dark and a strong fustiness filled the air. Lee (the name of Anthony’s friend as far as I can remember) wasn’t there and I guess he hadn’t been for weeks. That worried me a little. 

“Did you tell him we were coming?”

“Of course I did. Maybe he’s buying some groceries or stuff like that.” Anthony tried to reassure me, but I knew he was thinking the same thing I was. I sat on Lee’s leather couch, sighed and closed my eyes.

“Ok I’m going to take a shower upstairs.” Anthony said. I really wanted to take a shower too; the sea water was starting to form a patina of salt on my skin and it was really annoying. I nodded and heard his steps on the stairs. I tried to ignore the pain in my stomach and smother the little voice in my head who constantly told me not to trust that Lee. What were we going to do anyway? Stay in his house forever? We would eventually have to find the money and give it back. I knew there was a way to get out of that situation that didn’t include some of us dying or getting hurt. The kiss we shared came back in my memory. What we did wasn’t going anywhere. Anthony proposed to Kristin and they were going to get married, there was no way he would have chosen me instead of his beloved betrothed and I didn’t want to renounce our friendship. I wanted him to be my best friend, not boyfriend and he couldn’t be both… Or could he?  
No sound was coming from upstairs. I couldn’t hear the water or any movement. I called his name, one, two times but he was not answering. I opened my eyes and went towards the stairs hoping that it was some of Anthony’s stupid pranks or just a dream and if it was, I wanted to wake up as soon as possible.

“I’m coming up Anthony. I swear to God if this is some kind of prank you’d better stop, dude.” I informed Anthony who didn’t deign to answer. The stairs cracked under my feet and weight. I held my sobbing breath and went slow. Upstairs the air was stale. All the doors were close, all except one which I directed myself to. Once the light was on I could see there was nothing in that room. A shiver ran down my back and before I could even think about what could be behind me something, someone hit me so hard that I fell on the dusty cold ground. My sight was blurred and my hearing didn’t work so well. Everything was in slow motion. “NO!” I heard someone scream. Heavy footsteps, another hit, a thud of a body falling, laughs and then darkness.

 

 

Today is the day. People say I’m weak. Well, they don’t really say that but I know they think it, I can see it in their eyes when I walk away. Everybody knows, there’s no hiding for me.   
Today is a special day; it’s September and it is still summer. In few days though it will be fall and you can tell because the days are shorter and the air cooler. Fall is a fine season, I like it.   
Today is not a great day because I have the courage to talk to him. I know it’s a good thing but it hurts because is impossible for me not to remember and ponder of everything.  
I close the door of my house behind me and breath the not-yet- autumnal air.   
Today is the 16th of September and I’m going to pay a visit to an old friend. Writing my memories convinced me to do it, I can’t dwell on the past anymore, it’s time to fix what I haven’t fixed back in the days.  
There are no people on the streets maybe it’s because it will rain soon. Well, I can’t postpone this anymore, I’m old, and I don’t even know if I will be alive next year. Melanie says that I’m melodramatic, that I’m not that old. I guess she’s right, she always is…  
I check my pocket and find the letter I wrote many years ago. It’s there and it’s crumpled. It stayed in my drawer under a book for more than a decade and now it sees the light. I look at it. The ink is blurred but it’s still visible. I know he’s angry at me for making him wait so much. I will read it for him.

Today is a fine day after all. I missed Anthony and now I can finally tell him how I feel. I hope he listens to me, because I have so much to say.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah this is chapter seven, did you like it? I will upload the last chapter and then the epilogue, so it will be over but not really. Thanks for reading and leave a comment if you have nothing better to do and votes because votes are like pizza (?)


	8. Failed attempts to fly

I was afraid to wake up. I didn’t know what I was going to see. I just hoped Anthony was fine, I couldn’t afford to lose him, not yet. We had changed a lot in those days: we had opened our eyes and saw who really was the person we liked to call ‘best friend’. And I cared more than before about him because I knew he was just like me, broken and confused. 

I took courage and opened my eyes just to see that I had been blindfolded. Luckily my hands were free. I removed the fabric from my eyes, it took me few seconds to see again because after the complete dark, light is difficult to accept. Anthony was next to me, tied up and blindfolded as well. He was so still and his breath seemed regular and calm. As he heard noise coming from his side he turned his head around and tried to protect his face with his tied arms. He fought to free himself, but every effort was futile. He looked like a poor animal that had just been exported from his natural habitat, ready to be slaughtered and eaten, hopeful that his moans would have helped him. I had never seen him like that, so vulnerable and hopeless, sweat coming down his temples. 

“Don’t worry Anthony, it’s me.” He calmed down as I touched his leg and removed the blindfold. His brown eyes were wet and his checks bright red. 

“Are you ok? Did they hurt you?” He asked.

“No they didn’t. Did they hurt YOU?” I asked him looking at his velvety eyes. He touched his ribs and nodded like a kid who has just admitted something bad. 

“I think they kicked me. No big deal though, I’m happy you’re fine. I called the police when we were in the house. So I guess they’ll eventually find us… I’m sorry, you were right.” He said with a sorry face. I was happy he believed me, I was happy he cared.   
Someone was walking towards us, his heavy steps echoed all around us so I stood up to protect Anthony who was still lying on the ground. There was a man in front of us now with a gun and a knife in his big hairy hands. He grinned and pushed me away so he could grab Anthony’s hair and point the gun towards me. My helpless friend screamed and sat on his knees. 

“Let’s get straight to the point.” The man said. “Where’s the money?” he pulled Anthony’s hair more when none of us answered. 

“We don’t know, let him go!” I shouted seeing Anthony’s eyes water more. He did let him go, collide with the cold ground. I felt his hands grab my shirt and pull me closer to his ruined face, so close I could feel his bad breath hit my skin. 

“Bullshit.” He guided his knife to my throat and pushed so hard I could barely breathe. Of course there was no way to reason with him, he was violent and would have cut my throat without delay. 

“ Now, the only reason why you’re still alive is because you can tell me about the money and I’ll give you one more opportunity to tell me where it is and believe me when I say that this time I won’t accept ‘I don’t know’ as an answer.”

“I can’t give you the money back. I don’t have it anymore.” Anthony said. The man grinded his teeth and let me go. I have never been so afraid in my whole life. The guns, knives and my best friend hurt made a terrible scenario. And I was afraid for him, not for me because I found him recently, I pondered of us and realized that he was the only thing I had left. I had lost everything of the old me: habits, expressions, friends, behaviors… He was the only thing that reminded me of who I was before, of who WE were. We had always been next to each other, ignoring other people, ignoring the world around us because WE were our world. I couldn’t lose him; I couldn’t lose that part of me. So I tried to save him and I knew I was late. So I tried not to believe my eyes and tell me a different story. Anthony was shaking and trying to hide it. His hands couldn’t listen to him and couldn’t stop moving. He never wanted to show his emotions, however, in that moment I guess he failed because we could see his terror. 

“So I guess we don’t need you anymore.” The man pointed the gun to Anthony’s face and slid his fat finger on the trigger. Anthony’s eyes were fixed on me, he wanted me to be the last thing he saw, and I couldn’t be it.   
He fucked up but he deserved more, he was going to marry his girlfriend and have new life, new work, new car, and new friends. He was going to have it all because I was going to save him. I, instead, had nothing to lose. I had reason to believe Melanie was having an affair with someone else and that she didn’t go to his mother those weeks. I loved her with all my heart and I knew that she was better off without me. So that was it. The decision was made and I was going to fly away. 

“Take me!” I shouted with all the air I had left in my lungs. Some other sounds joined my provocative scream: sirens. They would have saved Anthony at least. The man didn’t know what to do and looked at me with his gun pointed to my chest; he was angry. 

“Fine” he said and before running away he pulled the trigger and let the bullet do his work. I didn’t blame it, it just did what he had been told to; take a life away was his job. The noise of the shot bounced on the walls around us and came violently in my ears, seizing my brain. I instinctively closed my eyes and heard just silence. I didn’t feel pain or regret. I felt nothing. Seemed like some heavy piece of metal hadn’t just pierced my helpless chest. Maybe because it hadn’t. When I opened my eyes I saw Anthony, surprised just like me, on the ground. I couldn’t understand. A puddle of red of bright red liquid started to form around my best friend’s body, tracing the lines of his arm wide open. My knees lost all their strength, they couldn’t hold me anymore because all my muscles seemed to loose from my bones. And so I fell on the ground next to him. He took the bullet for me. NO! That wasn’t the plan…

“Ant-Anthony…” Said I trying to hold his now heavy head. A giant hole was on his shirt and the ripped fabric framed the red hole in his chest, where the bullet went through. 

“Don’t worry Ian, I got this one.” He said out of breath. He didn’t.  
I’ve never been a religious man. I’ve never believed in someone eternal and powerful who watches over us and yet I prayed. I prayed God to spare Anthony’s life and take mine, just like it was meant to be. I wanted him to snatch Anthony from the angels’ hands and take him back in mine. I just needed a last kiss and then I could have donated my life to him. 

“I ….” I tried to say. I put my lips on his and tasted his hot blood. All I could feel was a sharp pain. I looked at him. His hands weren’t shaking anymore and his eyes seemed to have lost their usual clarity. I touched his face with my shaking fingers; I drew the lines of his bloody lips, cheekbones, eyes, and nose. I wanted to remember everything of him. I would have drawn his face in my head with an indelible pen. Sirens grew louder and louder till they stopped. I laid my head on his immobile chest and listened to the silence it had to present me. My eyes were pinching but I wasn’t ashamed at all. I knew Anthony wouldn’t have made fun of me that time. I took his shirt in my hands but I knew that how tightly I would have strained it, it wouldn’t have mattered, because the angels were stronger than me. I smelled the salt on the fabric, the smell of that bay where we kissed... I wasn’t ready to let him go, but I was ready to follow him, everywhere…  
I felt like someone was gripping my throat and spreading my ribs so he could remove everything inside me.   
I would have done everything to have him still there with me… 

Time would have healed my wounds everybody said. Well, he isn’t a great sewer, because the thread he used to close my chest never stopped yielding and the scars are bleeding again. What I had, what I was, had been taken away from me in front of my eyes and have never been returned. I spared my life because already too much had been taken. I decide to live and tell people about him, tell my kids how purely amazing their uncle, my best friend was so he would have never died. And now I’m here in my car because I can’t find the strength to get out and go to him. The wind is gentle now and it seems he’s like he wants me to go. I get out of my old car and smell the fresh air and sigh. This bay never changed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE END. (but not really remember?) I really hoped you loved reading it just as much as I loved writing it. I’m working on the epilogue so stay tuned, it’s not over yet. I’m sorry for making Anthony die, but that was the point since the beginning. Anthony death changed a lot of things and you will see in the next chapter. Leave votes and comments telling me what you like or didn’t like of this story and I want to tell you that I’m already working on another fanfic, yeah I hope it will not get as sad as this one. Sooo thanks for reading, really, thank you.


	9. Hello

This bay never changed. This is where Anthony’s ashes have been scattered; I asked for it. I wanted him to have the same smile he showed off here, ever after. I pray my feet not to fail me this time; I pray them with all of my heart to take till the end of the cliff. I close my eyes and pretend I’m in church doing what I haven’t done when it was the time because I was too afraid. I exceed stone after stone, pew after pew. All his loved ones are there, all except me…There is his mother and father, his brothers and cousins and all of his family and even half of mine, the half that knew him, loved him. I look in the eyes of the crowd to find Anthony’s ones, but of course he’s not there even if this ceremony is for him. I ask my knees not to give up because my eyes already have. Every step towards the lectern, towards the ledge of the cliff is a stab in my already massacred heart. I want him to be here with me and I have to accept he’s not and will never be next to me again. The way to acceptance is difficult to follow and a long one, but I have promised. I promised. I feel guilty for his death, it should have been me…it should have…The wind makes more difficult to hold back the tears that by now are covering my cheeks. I’m now at the lectern, the edge, I can’t escape. I hold in my hands what was in my left pocket. A letter and a picture, yes, THAT picture. The picture I thought I had lost in the fire, where Anthony and I were young and different. The doctors said they found it in his jeans pocket. He had it the whole time, he saved it and now he has to save me. The water hits the rocks and its splash is all that can be heard. I take a deep breath and start to speak, not to the imaginary crowd but to the wind, to the ashes that fly in it. 

“I won’t take much of your time… “I said to the wind, hopeful it would deliver the message to Anthony. “I just want to do what I haven’t been able to when it was the time…” The wind keeps blowing careless of my words. “I know it’s been a lot since the last time we talked and I know I’ve been distant but believe me… I’ve never forgotten you, how could I? You’ve been the best part of me, what kept me going, what made me remember what ‘being loved’ meant.” The crowd is not paying attention to my words. Every person is gathering their stuff and leaving the room. Nobody looks at the broken man on the edge of the cliff, nobody pays attention to him. He’s alone, he’s sorrowful. I look at the people who stand at the door and look at me with disappointment. My mother is there, all I can see in her eyes is pity. She closes her eyes and follows the other people who disappear. I miss her. I am afraid to accept my loved ones death, but I always remember who leaves. I know I’m alone on a bay, I know my imagination is working too much but I need it. I need to know I can adjust things. The wind slows down, it’s listening to me, and it’s just us.  
“I’m sorry for… “I decide to start differently “Lately, or better, since you flew away I became apathetic. I started to feel nothing towards people and alienated myself from them, because I felt guilty for what happened, for not listening to you, for not caring enough when you needed. The fact is that… it’s true: it’s my entire fault. And when I tried to keep you here, it didn’t matter how strongly I had strained you, the angels put the wings on you and you couldn’t help but fly towards the pearly gates.” I have to sit down. 

Head tilted down, knees on the ground I start speaking again. “I hope you forgive me for being a stupid kid.” The picture is wrinkled and old, just like me. I show it to the wind. “I never said thank you for this and I guess I won’t have another chance to tell you that.” The waves grow violent and some drops of water join my salty tears. “I want you to have it because I don’t deserve it. You might use it for better purposes.” I throw the picture in the waves which capture it and swallow it in the abysses. I feel freer, clean. I stand up and smile to the bright sun which still shines after all. I turn around and I’m ready to go back to my dull life, but then I remember I have forgotten the most important thing I have to tell him so I turn around again and let the wind flow on my body and when it’s time, I say it. 

“I loved you before and I still do now. But, I guess you don’t need my love. Goodbye.”  
I walk away from that bay, from all those painful memories and return to my car where I realize someone is waiting for me. My heart stops and my lungs don’t work anymore. Am I dead? I have to be. I hate my brain for fooling me like this. What I see can’t be possible. A young Anthony is sitting on the hood of my car. He’s looking at his shoes but when he sees me he stands up and smiles. He looks so peaceful. “Anthony?” I try to say but stutter.  
He walks towards me, puts his big hand on my weak shoulder and shakes his head. 

“My name is Daniel.” The young man says with a weak, fake smile. “I am his son” I can’t believe his words.  
He has the same brown deep eyes Anthony had and his nose, even the voice is similar. Kristin never told me that she had a son, that Anthony had a son. “And you are my uncle. Mom told me a lot about you and she said that if I wanted to know more about my dad…” He keeps saying.”I had to find you.” His innocent stare is too painful I have to look away. 

“Why did you wait all these years?” I ask him. 

“I don’t know, this might seem crazy, but… I have dreamed about dad tonight and he told me to come here, and I found you.” I’m on the verge of tears again. He has forgiven me. Several minutes of silence follow. He sent me his son to give me hope, to make me understand he listened to me and still cares. I smile to him and hug him. “Let’s go home now Daniel. I will tell you everything you want about your dad.”

He smiles because my words are exactly what he wanted to hear. He sits in my car and for a second I ask myself how he got there if he doesn’t have a car. It doesn’t matter though, I’m sick of questions because I finally got answers. 

“And oh, on my way up here” He says while searching something in his pockets. “I found this.” He hands me the picture. That damn picture I have thrown away in the sea and I notice something written behind, something that wasn’t there before. My hearts beats faster. I read it and smile. 

I am free.

 

“Hello, we haven't talked in quite some time, I know I haven't been the best  
Hello I've been traveling in the desert of my mind  
And I haven't found a drop of life  
I haven't found a drop  
Of you  
Because you are all that I have and all that I need  
And I’m addicted to the wind as it blows me back and forth  
Mindless, spineless, and pretend  
Of course I'll be here again  
See you tomorrow  
When it's the end of today  
And I’m sorry for closing my eyes  
For not saying goodbye  
I am no hero  
Not what you say  
These lines are all that I am  
This is all I can be  
And you are there below  
And I want to say that I’m sorry  
And I want to say Hello.  
Because it’s not over  
Take your luckiest clover  
And kiss it  
You won’t miss it  
Remember it’s not the end  
See you soon my friend. ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAaand that was it. Sorry for making it so sad and for adding a “supernatural” effect but it really inspired me. I cried like an idiot while writing it but I guess it’s a good thing. The poem “Anthony” wrote on the back of the picture is half the readapted lyrics of a song and half my work and you can tell which is which. Sooo this nine chapters journey has come to an end. I uploaded it earlier than that I thought I would have because I missed writing it and I guess I will miss it more now that it’s over (and forreal). Really hope you liked it and now that I’m leaving for the holidays I’ll start writing another Ianthony fanfiction I was thinking about and it’s probably going to be about war and the army or maybe not. Let me know what you think about this story, it would make me so happy and then the pizza-votes u know.  
> See you in the next story.   
> Thanks, really, for everything. I never thought I would have had so many reads and it’s crazy! So yeah , that’s pretty much it, love you.


End file.
